Having a bad day

Today I am overwhelmed. I feel like I've been going through cycle after cycle of payments (both financially and emotionally) and sometimes I wonder if this will ever be over and we'll be a family. This failure to have a child has become such a major part of who I am that it's hard to see the end of the road these days. I read this
blog post today and I can't possibly think of a better way to describe what I've been going through the last three years.

I guess it started when I called Gladney about why we haven't received the official approval yet and they informed me that my final homestudy wasn't there. I know that it's out there because it got to CIS so I called our homestudy agency. She sent it out a month ago AND said that if they don't have it, the person that would prepare the new one (the word processing stuff) is recovering from surgery and won't be able to do it for another few weeks. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I'm sick of getting things notarized and signed and prepared. I'm sick of fighting with places to ensure they do the darn forms correctly. I'm sick of knowing that even when all these forms are done, I have a long (and it's getting longer) wait in front of me.

And I'm sick of articles like this that make me feel like a horrible white woman who steals babies from other countries.

I thought that we were doing something good by adopting overseas and that it would convince me to stop what I viewed as selfishness with repeating IVF treatments over and over. This way we could HELP a child that had already been born.

And I'm feeling some panic too. I'm worried about the first time he/she says, "you're not my real mother!" and how much I'll sob. I'm worried about the weird comments and looks we'll get from people because we don't look the same. I'm worried that people won't consider him/her as much a part of my family as they would a "natural" born child.

Time for some cookie dough therapy. Enough ranting for today.